Friday, April 7, 2017

We've Moved

I've decided to merge all MehTown posts to Mutatoe and will be posting from there from now on.

Mutatoe is much more entertaining anyway, so join the insanity over there.

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Sinus Drawers

I, and a lot of my friends, suffer from weather-related sinus issues.

There's really nothing better than having your sinuses feel as though they are about to explode, cause that glorious ice-pick in the eye pain, and general nausea.

So far, the only options are:

  • hand full of drugs (that don't really help)
  • Neti Pot (euuuuuuuuuuuuuuw)
  • Saline sprays
  • More drugs
  • Gouging your eye out with an actual ice pick
  • Shoving a drain snake up your nose
My solution is © Sinus Drawers (patent pending)

In a simple procedure, trained surgeons will install fashionable and stylish drawers in your sinus cavities.  You can even choose the style of your drawer and the hardware for the drawer pullers.  Easy to update as styles change, all you need to do when your sinuses are all stopped up and won't drain is to pull the drawer out and empty.

These drawers could also be used to store valuables (because who wants valuables covered in snot, am I right?).

If you get a cold or the flu, then all you need to do is attach the optional © Sinus Slides, so all of that gunk just rolls out onto the slide and into the also optional © Sinus Baggy.  No more blowing your nose endlessly, just make sure your © Sinus Baggy is connected and head on into work!

Coming soon to a strip mall near you!

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Genius Bar Visit

Sunday, a week before Christmas my iPhone decided it didn't want to charge any more.  Actually, it wanted to charge, but when you put the plug in, it was very loose.  I was convinced that I had messed up the charging port (too many times grabbing the phone thinking it was unplugged and yanking the plug out or something) and was pretty depressed with the notion that I may have to get stuck with a crappy iPhone 7 instead of waiting for the much hyped new 8's that aren't out yet.

I got online and tried to make a weekend appointment with a "genius".  My choices were:
Monday (the next day) at 5:45pm or
September 2017 or something.

I opted for Monday at 5:45pm... at a mall... less than a week before Christmas.  Shoot me.

I started driving to the mall early to anticipate massive traffic jams, and no parking at the mall.  I figured 2 hours.

To make matters worse, my phone was only at 30%, the only way to charge it was to hold the phone cord a certain way, and hold the phone a certain way, and this can't be done while driving so I didn't have any navigation aids.  I know how to get to the mall without navigation aids, but I'll be damned if I felt as though I was blazing a new trail for Lewis and Clark without a compass and totally lost.

I got there in like 20 minutes.  I found a parking spot 3 feet from the front door right away.

Damn... now I have like over an hour to wait for my appointment.

The inside of the mall was practically abandoned and void of people except for 6 million kiosk hand lotion salespeople.  I tried to make my way through the halls to the closest Starbucks without being harassed by walking quickly, head straight ahead (no eye contact with those people), and hugging the other side of the mall, but they were very hungry for customers.  Desperate for customers.  Probably hadn't sold anything for weeks needed someone to fall for their overpriced and totally worthless hand lotion.

They started YELLING at me from across the hall!  Some even ran up to me, pushing their sample at my face... I now know what antelopes feel like in the Serengeti plains.  At one point a guy screamed "HEY LADY, GET YOUR SAMPLE!", and I couldn't take it any more so I stopped, turned and yelled.


Just to make sure, I stared him down until he retreated behind his kiosk.

Oddly enough, after getting my latte and walking back through... not a peep.  Walked back through again... nothing.  They seemed afraid.  Mission accomplished.

Now that I had wasted 15 minutes "window shopping", I figured I'd just find a nice place to sit and waste some time playing Candy... oh crap, my phone is almost dead.  So I found some comfy chairs and sat there... and sat there... and sat.... there.  Life before phones was undoubtedly unbearable.

I happened to look at a sign at Rack Room Shoes that said:

So... um... do they?  Don't they?  Do you have to ask?  What the hell?

Thankfully I was distracted by the festive Christmasy music playing "Baby It's Cold Outside".  Recently this tune has been deemed horribly insensitive and triggering for some reason so I got to see hordes of sensitive people fleeing for the Mall Safe Space room.

Ok, that actually didn't happen except for in my head, but it did make me laugh.

I gave up and decided to show up early to my appointment to see if they could squeeze me in.  There were 5 people in the Apple store, but the concierge told me to take a seat in the back on some wooden blocks (that were surprisingly comfortable) and wait for my appointment time... ugh.

Thankfully a Pre-Genius showed up and said that it was his job to get as much information as possible so the genius would know what was going on.  I explained, he smiled and pulled out a little tool.  Apparently my issue is quite common and it stems from random little bits getting crammed into the charging port and keeping the plug from inserting fully, or inserting wonky.  He proceeded to pick at things in the charging port... a lot of things... embarrassing things.

Oh well, at least my phone will charge now, so I guess it was worth all of the suffering.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Underwear Shopping

This shouldn't be brain surgery.  It's underwear.  It serves a purpose, and only you and a few chosen people will ever see it, so why is it so damn complicated?  It's also ridiculously expensive.

I have some requirements:

  • It must not fall down
  • It must not creep into specific areas

That's it, is that too much to ask?

Recently I had to grab some pants, and I also needed new underwear.

I always bypass the racks of underwear hanging up.  I don't want, nor need fancy shmancy expensive underwear, I want a pack of underwear, enough for a week preferably.  I head straight for the wall of underwear packs and immediately I'm angry.

First, I'm quite certain that nobody in any store bothers with organizing the wall of underwear.  It's just a mishmash of styles, sizes, manufacturers.  Why bother taking the time to hang it up, why not just throw them all of the floor?

Second, when did there become 5,000 different styles of underwear?

  • Briefs
  • High Cut Briefs
  • Boyshorts
  • Control Briefs
  • Bikini
  • Hipsters
  • Tanga (whatever that is)
  • Thong
  • G-String
  • Pantaloons
  • Boot cut
  • Venti Extra foam

Third, the packs only come in 6.  SIX?  Does the world just go commando one day a week?  Is this like the great hot dog and hot dog bun fiasco?  Why can't they shove one more pair in there for the whole week?  I do spy a pack that has 6 and 1 free thrown in.  Unfortunately it's a pair of hipsters in size 6XL.

Fourth, each manufacturer has their own special sizing chart.  Once again, instead of just putting the size of your hips, or waist, that can't be done because "feelings" or something.  Apparently women can't be seen by the stranger scanning their pack of size 34 underwear without experiencing some kind of shame and stigma, they want to be a "2" or a "0" or some made up number that means absolutely nothing.  Instead we are forced to look at the back to figure out what size you need through a convoluted scale of measurements.

  • Pants size (which is a trick because pants are not sized the same way)
  • Hat and shoe size
  • Dimensions of a Russet potato
  • Square root of your waist and hips divided by Pi

I had written down the brand and size that I already had, but of course, the manufacturer had changed its sizing chart, so that was worthless.  I made a rough estimate using the dimensions of a Russet potato, picked the style I wanted, and then proceeded to try to find that one in the wall of underwear.

Of course, the ONE pack that has everything is the ungodly fugly designed ones.  The pack that has the colors and style you want are either size 56XLLL, or someone has opened the pack and done who knows what to the underwear.

By some fluke I was able to find the style and size that I could live with, and they actually fit.  Now I want to stockpile them so I have enough for my entire life because I have no idea what underwear shopping will be like next time.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Lint Pants

The other day I ventured to the store to buy another pair of black pants.  After purging my closets I realized that black, gray, and brown are my primary colors, and since I only had one pair of black pants, and one pair of brown pants, I would need two more pairs of pants in order to cover my 4-day work week without wearing the same pair twice in a week... any longer.

Off to the big box store I went.  I pretty much shop like this:

1.) Go to the same place I got stuff before
2.) Grab the size I need
3.) Run to the checkout lane

I also needed underwear, but that's a separate rant, but as usual, I went, I grabbed the pants (1 black, 1 brown) and after the underwear fiasco, ran to the checkout counter, paid and fled the store.

New pants go into the wash, hung up, and now wait for Monday, at which time I grab the black pants, put them on along with a new sweater that I got a while back and head to work.

It was the moment I got out of the car at work that I realized that the pants were different than the ones I had bought before.  The original pair seemed quite fur and lint proof (which is why I bought them).  The new ones, on the other hand, appeared to be created from the same material used on those fancy reusable lint brushes.

Exhibit A: Fancy Lint Brush
Additionally, the new long sweater that I was wearing appeared to be knitted using lint from the dryer, and it had lovingly deposited half of a pound of lint on my pants... along with a huge tuft of dog fur I hadn't noticed that probably came from dragging the pant leg on the floor while getting dressed.

Go into work and grab the handy lint roller and begin rolling the lint off, except it seemed that the moment I cleared a swathe of pant, the sweater would deposit even more in its wake.

Gave up.

Then my client called and asked if I could come over and have a meeting.

Um... sure.

By the time I got to the client office, I was literally covered in more debris, not only from the sweater, but I'm sure from the shuttle bus seat, random things floating in the breeze, and whatever I happened to walk near enough.  It was as if the pants had their own gravitational force to suck objects onto them.

By the time I got to my meeting...

Thankfully my clients know I'm a mess and expect things like this.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

The Squirrels

I hate squirrels.

Rats with fluffy tails.

They raid bird feeders, and they chew things... like our roof.... to get in... to build nests and pee and poop in our attic.

I hate squirrels.

Apparently squirrels chewing into our attic is not a rare event.  Doing google searches on how to get rid of them came up with a zillion "How To" articles, and millions of other people complaining about squirrels in their attics.

While misery does love company, apparently the company doesn't want to help you out by forking out the dough needed to get rid of the horrible things.  It's not cheap and it's not covered by insurance... of course.

So a while back we noticed that we had a hole in our soffit.  WTF?

We paid a roofer to come out and fix the hole in the soffit (cha ching $450).

A corner of our roof was coming up, and suspected it may be the squirrel.

We hammered the corner of the roof back on and bought some spray that was supposed to repel squirrels. A week later we noticed that something had peeled back the corner of our roof and was chewing up the wood!  Holy crap!  We kept watch and saw this going on:

A week later I heard a strange knocking noise in the kitchen, walked outside and there was a squirrel, chewing on the roof and peeling it back again.

UGH!  So we got some estimates, and found a wildlife removal service that we felt knew what the problem was, and what the solution was, and could fix this crap.

Step 1:  He put out traps (and so did we, because at this point we wanted to remove as many squirrels as possible.

They responded like this:

Step 2: Cut down all of the branches that may lead a path to our roof.  We had some decorative trees out front, and our neighbor's tree that had branches close to the house, so I trimmed those.

The squirrel continued to leap onto our roof from the neighbor's tree.  I trimmed some more.  Now the squirrel had to fling itself onto the roof.  I know because I'd be sitting in the living room watching tv and hear a huge BOOM as it flung itself onto the roof.

We hoped the stupid thing would bash its brains out flinging itself onto the roof.  I trimmed more branches and really made it mad.  Now it had to climb onto our deck to get to the roof, which it did WHILE WE WERE STANDING ON THE DECK and glared at us the whole time.  It also wasn't pleased that we attacked it with Super Soaker squirt guns, threw things at it, and generally made its life so miserable that it would sit in a tree and bitch at us until we went inside.

After a few days with only catching squirrels in the yard (which we drove to a nice park and released because we aren't heartless bastards), we noticed that it wasn't climbing into the corner hole any more.

We totally thought we had caught and released the squirrel until... I saw it at the peak of the roof and it disappeared somewhere near the chimney.

Yep, the little bitch got tired of us and went and chewed another hole into our attic.

We upped the ante and bought some gourmet squirrel food to bait the traps with.  The Wildlife guy caught the 2 that had been terrorizing the roof area, and we caught 7 in the yard and one on the deck.

At one point, chimney squirrel was so mad about its nest being blocked with an extractor (a device they put on a hole that will let them out, but they can't get back in) that it ripped it out of the roof and threw it to the ground.  It got caught the next day and removed.

Once all of the squirrels had been removed, the Wildlife guy came back and began securing the seams of the roof and areas where the squirrels were getting in with heavy duty wiring and metal flashing, spraying the roof and paths with some pheromone spray to hide their trail so other squirrels wouldn't be tempted by the path to the roof, then inspected the attic to make sure they were all out, and setting off bombs to kill any pests and sanitize any mess up there.

$1,400.  CHA CHING!!!!

So, we keep an eye out for more intruders, have some traps to set out in case they come back, plus we have a 1-year guarantee where they'll come back out and get rid of them again if they get into the attic.

Overall, we feel pretty secure, if not somewhat poorer.

Just know this:  squirrels are devious, vindictive assholes and will cause all sorts of damage, stink, chew your wires, and drive you insane, so hire a guy that knows all about them, gets rid of them, makes sure they're gone, makes sure they can't get back in, secures your area, treats the crap they leave, and has a warranty.

We can't thank TruTech Wildlife Services enough, and especially Jason, who made us laugh even when we wanted to scream.

Saturday, June 11, 2016


This is how our neighbor is watering her flowers.

I'm pretty sure there's a better way