Sunday, January 1, 2017

Underwear Shopping

This shouldn't be brain surgery.  It's underwear.  It serves a purpose, and only you and a few chosen people will ever see it, so why is it so damn complicated?  It's also ridiculously expensive.

I have some requirements:

  • It must not fall down
  • It must not creep into specific areas

That's it, is that too much to ask?

Recently I had to grab some pants, and I also needed new underwear.

I always bypass the racks of underwear hanging up.  I don't want, nor need fancy shmancy expensive underwear, I want a pack of underwear, enough for a week preferably.  I head straight for the wall of underwear packs and immediately I'm angry.

First, I'm quite certain that nobody in any store bothers with organizing the wall of underwear.  It's just a mishmash of styles, sizes, manufacturers.  Why bother taking the time to hang it up, why not just throw them all of the floor?

Second, when did there become 5,000 different styles of underwear?

  • Briefs
  • High Cut Briefs
  • Boyshorts
  • Control Briefs
  • Bikini
  • Hipsters
  • Tanga (whatever that is)
  • Thong
  • G-String
  • Pantaloons
  • Boot cut
  • Venti Extra foam

Third, the packs only come in 6.  SIX?  Does the world just go commando one day a week?  Is this like the great hot dog and hot dog bun fiasco?  Why can't they shove one more pair in there for the whole week?  I do spy a pack that has 6 and 1 free thrown in.  Unfortunately it's a pair of hipsters in size 6XL.

Fourth, each manufacturer has their own special sizing chart.  Once again, instead of just putting the size of your hips, or waist, that can't be done because "feelings" or something.  Apparently women can't be seen by the stranger scanning their pack of size 34 underwear without experiencing some kind of shame and stigma, they want to be a "2" or a "0" or some made up number that means absolutely nothing.  Instead we are forced to look at the back to figure out what size you need through a convoluted scale of measurements.

  • Pants size (which is a trick because pants are not sized the same way)
  • Hat and shoe size
  • Dimensions of a Russet potato
  • Square root of your waist and hips divided by Pi

I had written down the brand and size that I already had, but of course, the manufacturer had changed its sizing chart, so that was worthless.  I made a rough estimate using the dimensions of a Russet potato, picked the style I wanted, and then proceeded to try to find that one in the wall of underwear.

Of course, the ONE pack that has everything is the ungodly fugly designed ones.  The pack that has the colors and style you want are either size 56XLLL, or someone has opened the pack and done who knows what to the underwear.

By some fluke I was able to find the style and size that I could live with, and they actually fit.  Now I want to stockpile them so I have enough for my entire life because I have no idea what underwear shopping will be like next time.

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